Home » Shedding Light on Self-Harm » The Storm that Raged Within – Part 2

The Storm that Raged Within – Part 2

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My life was slipping into a slow suicide.  Because my brain was literally being starved, I could no longer function in school.  My thoughts scattered and depression ruled my being.  Things began to happen that I viewed as tragedy but later realized they were the life preservers I had to have tossed to me for survival.

I remember snapshots, like a slideshow of events.  I see myself working out to the point of pure exhaustion, blacking out at the gym after my 3 hours run on the treadmill.  There was the manic shopping trips, buy package after package of utility knife razors gradually increasing in the size and sharpness of each blade.  I fainted downtown when I was with all of my friends and played it off that I had the flu.  The incidents and sloppiness of my secrecy lead to poor explanations of my self-destruction.  I neglected to conceal things like drops of blood on my shirt sleeve, vomit splatters on the toilet seat and forgetting to toss out the napkin that I quickly spit my food into when no one was looking at the dinner table.

I could not keep up with my lies.  My memory was compromised, forgetting what I said when to explain away my secret life.  Then one day, out of love and worry, my mom broke the silence.  What I did not see through my denial was that my sickness became transparent.  She saw the dark side that I coveted of a dual life and intervened with what at first I viewed as interrogation   Later I see she did it to save my life.

The day I caved into my secrets and let the world into my truth was a turning point in my struggle with the self-harm in its entirety.  I slowly left my comfort zone and began to talk about the plague that had been ailing me.  Gradually conversations of hope and healing took place.  I bravely began taking baby steps into recovery.  It was then that life had possibilities once more.

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2 thoughts on “The Storm that Raged Within – Part 2

  1. My family still has no idea what I went through/how severe it got, but I did have a counselor that I was able to open up to eventually. For weeks I wasn’t able to physically talk about it. I wrote in notebooks non stop, and would give them to her to read and she would write back. I worked up to being able to actually talk about it. It was certainly a turning point for me as well. There’s no telling where I’d be without her. I’m glad you had your Mom in your life to “break the silence”.

    • I am so sorry you went through all of that pain. I can relate so much. I have tried really hard to turn all that I went to into a strength and not let it just happen for no reason. I believe that what I went through has given me empathy and an understanding of the human condition that most do not have. Sounds like you have done awesome in your own recovery. Thanks for sharing such difficult times.

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